The Gay Ewok and Other Star Wars Memories

Back before the bevy of Star Wars prequels sullied the once glorious franchise (honestly you know I love even the new trilogy, inspite of myself) there was the first Star Wars movie that I was old enough to go see back in 1983, the Return of the Jedi. This was the one that started it all for me. Yes, the Return of the Jedi (ROTJ) is my favorite movie of all the Star Wars flicks because for me at least, it was the first.

I did go to see it in the actual theater but only vaguely remember my initial reaction. Even though I was only three and a half at the time I know I wasn't scared though. I loved it. I was more interested in the merchandising, the hype, and above all the toys! I had 'em all too. I collected most of the the ROTJ toys as they went on clearance. In fact, there was a Woolworth's store near where we used to live growing up and they were going out of business. Everything was on clearance including their Star Wars ROTJ toys. Luckily my Dad loved the movies too and he wanted to get the toys as much as I did, so he endulged and encouraged my SW obsession. His love of stopping at yard sales helped me snag some of the toys that were made for the previous flicks. But during this trip to Woolworth I cleaned up for sure. I got the Rancor, Jabba the Hutt, the Endor Speeder Bike with blast apart action, plus I got a ton of action figures.

During this Woolworth close-out extravaganza I also got a talking Ewok Phone starring non-other than Wicket himself! Now this wasn't a toy I could really brag about to my pals or take into show and tell and still seem like the cool guy I was. It was more targeted to a preschool audience. I was in kindergarden at the time, and having anything that seemed too babyish could land you straight into the pits of schoolyard ridicule and attacks.

Nevertheless, I secretly adored this toy. In retrospect, it looked nothing like Wicket from the movie, getting inspiration more from the Ewok cartoon show which I had only seen once or twice. Still, it was cute and said six different phrases. When you called Wicket he'd enthusiastically say stuff like: "Hello I'm Wicket, Wicket can dance, Yub-Chaa, Ewoks are good friends, Hug an Ewok." Priceless.

I loved the Ewoks in the movie and as a five-year-old watching ROTJ any scene with them was my favorite scene. I especially loved the relationship between Leia and the Ewoks. I often imagine how the scene would have been upon her arrival at the Ewok village. We never see this moment in the actual movie so it's open to the imagination. Wicket leads her into the village and takes her to the chief. He brags about how they kicked serious biker scout ass together and that she has some weird candy bars that taste like "goonda," whatever that is. But then I imagine there has to have been a gay Ewok in the village. Statistically at least ten percent of those little buggers were Cher fans. But there had to be at least one. How else can you explain her make over transformation from army garb to the long-hair-flowing earth mother look.

"Gasp, oh my god, Princess! You are fabulous, a total Diva. But honey, what is up with those clothes. I like going commando as much as the next guy but honey, this is ridiculous. Camo is sooooo last season. And that awful helmet hair. Tsk Tsk sweetie, you need to sit right down and let me work my magic mmmmkay!"

Anyway, I was so into star wars that my whole kindergarden world revolved around it. One day before school my Mom said they had a surprise for me. I asked if it was something Star Wars related. My mom said, "well yes it kind of is." The whole day I was dreaming of a new action figure or space ship waiting for me to get off the bus. It wasn't my birthday or holiday but I wasn't asking questions. If they wanted to surprise me with something I was gonna accept it graciously but greedily. As it turns out it was Star Wars related only in the loosest sence. While I was at school my parents had put a wall paper border up in my room that featured cute but generic looking robots on it. I liked it a lot. But part of me was a little dissappointed I didn't come home to a Gamarrean Guard action figure to feed my hungry Rancor toy. Luckily a trip to Kay Bee toy store a few days later would fix that problem. "Here you go Ranky, you're getting green pork monster for dinner tonight!" Too bad he was too fat to fit in the Rancors mouth. He didn't care though, he happily knawed on its head.

By far the highlight of my ROTJ experience came in the form of a touring movie memorabilia exihibit at the Cincinnati Art Museum. This exihibit wasn't just about Star Wars, but about many movies, including the Wizard of Oz and I think Gone with the Wind. I was most interested in the ROTJ artifacts which included actual props used in the movie. The one thing that stood out was the actual stop motion puppet they used to make the Rancor come alive. It was much bigger than the toy and of course very detailed. It was incredible. If anyone remembers this show or went to go see it please email me. I would love to get more info about it so I can do a whole article to truly commemorate how cool it was. They had great movie related stuff in the gift shop too. I snagged a set of paper Star Wars masks that you wore with an elastic string around your head, some figurines and a Glinda the Good Witch magic fairy wand. This thing was pink with sparkling streamers. And I was worried about getting beat up over the Ewok phone? Well every kid at the place had one, both boys and girls. So I freaking had to get one too. I think I just hit my sister in the head with it in the car ride home and my parents confiscated it anyway.

As the year or so went on my obsession with Star Wars lessened from mania to a light hysteria as I became seduced by the other popular toy franchises out there like DinoRiders and years later Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But that kind of love I have for Star Wars doesn't go away, even when I first heard Jar Jar speak, I still loved Star Wars. And I credit that to ROTJ.